As I type this, I’m sitting with zero dollars to my name… technically negative if I count the debt I accumulated to invest in my education and business and pending overdraft fees from automatic payments I simply don’t have the money to pay. I feel like I’m drowning, I’m barely starting to recover from the aftermath of writing my book, and life honestly feels like it’s too much. And that’s because in so many ways it is.
We were never meant to do it all.
Every piece of my body reminds me of this as I sit here trying to run a business to bring in money, attend a masters of social work program full time with 15 credit hours to work towards my future goals, raise a child singlehandedly, fuel my body, and take time to heal. It’s impossible to not drown with the weight of it all.
Saying, “I am tired,” is only the tip of the iceberg.
I shared on a late night Tiktok ramble my exact feelings, and I’ll include the links for you to watch if you so choose.. but I wanted to type it out again and share it here. As a reminder that you aren’t alone. You aren’t lazy. We just were never meant to go about this life on our own. We were never meant to do it all.
“I am tired…”
“I continuously find myself just saying that I’m tired. But it’s so much more than that.
Yea, I’m tired. I am tired of being the sole caregiver for my child. I’m tired of feeling like everyone else around me is getting a ‘W’ on the board and I am just stuck hitting strikes or whatever terminology it is. I’m tired of feeling like no matter what I do I’m not seen. I’m tired of not succeeding in the way that I thought I would be succeeding by now.
I’m exhausted by the continuous chapters that I have to restart. I am tired of constantly finding myself in a financial rut despite all of my attempts and all of my whole hearted action steps to reach the success that I see so many people around me achieving. I’m tired of feeling like I take one step forward only to fall right back down again. I’m tired of being told that I’m strong because I’m fucking tired.
I am tired of lifting myself back up. I am tired of having to constantly find the positives. Even though I can see my successes in the little ways, I am tired. I am tired of being the only person for everything in my life. I am exhausted. I am tired of being the only person who is there every day. I am tired. I’m tired. I am tired of keeping the positivity constantly telling myself soon. Soon enough. Soon enough. And it’s like… for how much longer? For how much longer is this soon going to be? And it’s exhausting.
It’s exhausting putting up this positive persona when inside is just complete drainage and trusting and hoping and trying to release control over the outcome knowing that eventually, eventually, things will work out. But every day it feels like I am one step forward and five steps back. And I just want to know when it finally works out. When I finally get that W, because I am tired of carrying the weight of it all on my shoulders. I am tired.”
“I can’t be it all alone…”
“I’m tired of the voices that get to live in my head rent free. I’m tired of feeling like I’m on cloud nine all day long only to spiral into an abyss by the end of the night, letting the thoughts get to me. Saying, ‘you’re so close, but you’re so far away. You have so much potential, but will you ever reach it?’
I’m tired of feeling so close yet so far away. I’m tired of not feeling like I can accomplish the things that I want to accomplish. I’m tired of wanting to be a good mom, and do well in school, and succeed in all of these areas, and not see it come to fruition time and time and time again. I’m tired of being told that, ‘if you just think more positively it’ll all work out, just don’t allow the negativity to control you.’
And while yes I know that the power of positivity is so important and it’s so crucial, it’s just as important to feel your feelings. But I am tired of it being my reality. I am tired of not being seen. I’m tired of people thinking that they know me but they really don’t. I’m tired of being this somewhat appealing open book but I’m not actually. Knowing full well that I barely let people touch the surface.
I’m tired of being the person that everybody goes to but not knowing who I can actually go to. I’m tired. I’m tired of relying on myself constantly, knowing that there are people out there and that I have a support system bu it’s not enough. It’s not enough. I’m tired of running away and hoping that I can solve my own problems because the truth is that I can’t do it alone. And that I need that support system. And that I need people. And it’s so easy.
It’s so much easier to just run away and to figure things out on my own, but knowing deep down that I have to trust and that I have to let people in, and that I can’t just act like I have my handle on it all. Because I can’t just be the mom, and I can’t just be the caregiver, and the person who is bringing in all the money, the one that is the emotionally stable one, the one that is the mentally stable, emotionally stable, spiritually stable. I can’t be it all alone.”
I share in another post about living life despite suicidal ideations. I know the weight of the struggles has been one of my biggest pushes towards these intrusive thoughts, so if you are dealing with that, I’d encourage you to read this post.
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